Okay, check this out, see if you can make any sense of it. The scenario involved certainly makes no sense to me. This story comes to us from a KXLH website. Those are call letters west of the Mississippi, whether it’s a radio station or TV station.

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Seems to me there ought to be some gold bars or something in here…

A couple of people, identities, professions, ages, genders, races, and religions unspecified, were hiking somewhere in the vicinity of Montana. Actually it was in Montana, but I’ve never been to Montana and I’m not going to bother to look it up on a map. It was close to Butte on Something Reservoir Road where “Something” doesn’t really matter. Being on a reservoir road means it was rural. I guess. The story doesn’t say, but from the context, I’d have to say it was rural, probably even wilderness.

Anyway, these people were hiking. They found a plastic garbage bag. Are you with us so far? People hiking in the woods. They see a garbage bag and make the conscious decision to open it and see what was inside.

You see where we’re going with this? Isn’t this the exact scene in every teen horror movie when you’re screaming at the screen: “No you DON’T have to go out there and see what that noise was.” You’ve watched that movie, that scene. No, you stay in the house, cave, tree, hole in the ground, or if you’re moving, you just set your course away from that garbage and then off screen.

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Lookie there, Granville! TREASURE!!!

The reason you don’t look in the bag is very simple: No good can come from it. No, there aren’t gold bars in that bag, stacks of money, or anything valuable. You don’t need to know what’s in there. The only thing or things that could be in that bag are bad things, or at least things to which you are completely indifferent. Any sane person would just keep walking.

After all, it could happen, right? I mean, what’s it hurt to take a look?

Here’s how you test yourself to see if you’re a fucking idiot: do you believe there might be gold bars or DB Cooper cash in that bag? After all, it could happen, right? I mean, what’s it hurt to take a look? Yeah, I thought so; you’re an idiot.

And so were these hikers; they just had to open the bag. These fucking idiots wanted to spend the day with law enforcement answering the same questions over and over again. Why? Is there anything to gain from going through all that? Maybe get interviewed on TV? Not even that. There’s no shortage of halfwits anywhere.

what’s the second to the last thing you’d want to find inside?

Okay, assuming you’re going to open the bag, what’s the second to the last thing you’d want to find inside? That would be a dead animal or animal parts, right? And now, for the very last thing you’d want to find in a garbage bag in the wilderness: WAIT, SPOILER ALERT, SPOILER ALERT, stop reading now if you don’t want to ruin the news story for yourself. The things you’d least want to find in the bag are: Human body parts.

Because that’s what was in the Montana bag. Two human legs “cut off at just about the knee,” whatever that means. Not “just above” or “just below,” but “just about the knee?” In any case, it turns out to be pretty irrelevant. These legs turned up in 2012, June 26th to be exact. Five years later they still have no idea whose legs those were, and no other parts have shown up, either. It’s a mystery, alright.

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What a severed leg might look like after spending five years in a trash bag.

But I wonder. I wonder about the people who found the legs. Are they as innocent as they seem? Were they local, were they shifty drifters? What were they doing? Prospecting for femurs? Let’s take a look at an amazing paragraph from the “news story.” This paragraph will tell you where the legs were found, and how unlikely it was they’d ever be found:

“The severed legs were found down a path, right off a road that’s so remote somebody just passing through town would not normally take and that’s why the sheriff suspects somebody in town knows something about this mystery.”

We have to take a moment and contemplate the splendor of that paragraph. Ruling out the possibility the writer was having a stroke midway through writing it, that’s some pretty special prose. I personally got lost halfway through, but I did get the impression it’s really unlikely anybody would ever find that bag. Which leads us to the question: Who were the people who found the bag?

I’m calling for the reopening of the case and a fresh look into who those people were…

Like most “news stories,” there’s a lot of information left out of this one. We don’t know anything about these people. Why were they there, what were they doing? What, in effect, was their cover story? We don’t know anything beyond the fact they found the legs. We don’t even know if they brought the legs along with them.

I’m calling for the reopening of the case and a fresh look into who those people were and what they were up to in those days. There’s a possibility those people are the type of psychopaths who flaunt their crimes to the cops, write them taunting letters, and intentionally leave clues at the scenes of crimes.

Maybe those people were not idiots at all. Maybe they murdered the guy, dangled themselves right under the cops’ noses, and got away with it.

You know it’s got to happen every now and then…

M. Nick