violinistsm2-300x202 Attention Whore Called Fat, Wigs Out, Jumps Out Of Plane Naked Playing Violin
Playing the violin as he parachutes from an airplane naked.

Okay, so somebody in the band made a remark about this attention whore’s “tubby” stomach. The guy got wiggy and his life became an obsession about that remark. He was then able to foment an angry movement about something or other. Whatever it was, it was an excuse for him to jump naked out of an airplane playing a violin.

I like to get as much of the story in the headline as possible, says nobody except tech writers, marketing hacks, and the googlethoughtnazis. The thoughtnazis favor cramming all the nouns and action verbs into the headline and lead paragraph without any of those other bothersome little parts of speech. Then just fill in the rest of the article with incidental words, like “the” and “her” and whatnot. Hell of a clean read that way. It will revolutionize something or other. But I can’t think about that right now. Apparently the attention whore in question was at one point in a marching band, the shame for which paled in comparison with the whole “fat thing.” Thus, defenestration via air, as anyone would expect.

You know, there was a time when an act like that made sense.

You know, there was a time when an act like that made sense. Interestingly, it was a time before parachutes.

violinistsm2-300x202 Attention Whore Called Fat, Wigs Out, Jumps Out Of Plane Naked Playing Violin
We don’t think the naked violinist had eggs with him when he jumped.

Now when I wrote “naked” up there, I really meant he was naked but strapped to some unfortunate dude in a jump suit who helps people parachute out of airplanes. Without actually learning how to parachute jump, you need somebody like that guy. You ask me it’s kind of gay and creepy where “gay” doesn’t mean “creepy,” it means “homosexual,” and the fact you have to add “creepy” just demonstrates, here in Orbit, we don’t think gay people are creepy, but you kind of have to admit creepy people are creepy. Is that a tautology? It is, by definition, but by my reading of the scriptures, all definitions are tautologies.

But then again, he might just be making his silent “laughing joyfully for the camera” face.

If you judge by the photo the ancillary guy seems to be having a grand old time right along with the attention whore. But then again, he might just be making his silent “laughing joyfully for the camera” face. He’s a pro, after all. Would you fault a waitress pretending to be nice to you for a better tip? Notice, I didn’t write “pretending to like you,” you couldn’t even afford that. No, she’s not even being nice, she’s pretending to be nice. DAYum, how stupid do you have to be to let that influence your tipping calculations?

Alright, but maybe the professional parachute guy was genuinely enjoying himself. That would just be a bonus for him. Maybe he was 100 percent behind this guy’s dysmorphia, and yes, that’s what the kids are calling it these days. Maybe he’s an early acolyte in this guy’s movement. We don’t know how many others there are.

In other words, the attention whore guy might really never have left the ground. . .

violinistsm2-300x202 Attention Whore Called Fat, Wigs Out, Jumps Out Of Plane Naked Playing Violin
They looked happy as the naked violinist prepared to jump.

Now we don’t know about you, but here in Orbit this is reminding us of something, and we’d be remiss if we didn’t bring it up. This story has all the earmarks of still another in a long line of NASA hoaxes. In other words, the attention whore guy might really never have left the ground, they flew a drone around up there and tossed a hay bale out with a chute. About the time the bale should be landing, the attention whore and the fake parachute guy jump out of a small magic tent and pretend they dropped in from the sky. Viola!

It’s the same way NASA did the moon missions, except they didn’t need a tent, they had the ocean. Why would NASA perpetrate a hoax like that? Why do they do any of the nefarious shit they do? It’s to keep us stupid.

Seems to be working…

M. Nick