market4 Dispatch: Man Beating Supermarket Employee With Loaf Of French Bread Arrested
Baguette in SF Supermarket Incognito

Now here’s a feel-good story if there ever was one. SF Chron headline: “Police: Supermarket employee beaten with baguette by local man.”market4 Dispatch: Man Beating Supermarket Employee With Loaf Of French Bread Arrested

This one is close to my heart, probably because I’ve been very close to going berserk in lots of supermarkets. Oddly, this particular guy entered the store already “yelling and screaming.”

At first glance, I thought it was excessive to reference both “yelling” and “screaming,” although it is something people always say. We’d hope for better from a trained, licensed journalist. This is from the fucking San Francisco Chronicle, bitch!

Upon reflection, however, I completely get why the agitated guy would need to do both. The yelling would be actual grievances and the screaming would be unintelligible anguish. So apparently this guy’s impetus to attack someone had nothing to do with any incident in that particular store, or probably any store, for that matter. The cause could have been anything.

Of course, it’s always possible he was just an asshole on drugs and/or booze…

I changed the name of the market to “supermarket” in their headline, and the name of the city to “local.” I don’t want to cause this guy any more grief than he’s already landed in. I’m not including his name, but I will divulge his age, which was given as 39. Of course, it’s always possible he was just an asshole on drugs and/or booze, in which case, shame on him. There’s no way to find out, at this point.

market4 Dispatch: Man Beating Supermarket Employee With Loaf Of French Bread ArrestedI was bitterly disappointed there was no video to accompany the story and not even a photo. The newspaper used that generic photo of bread, (see right) a baguette or two with some slices displayed on a cutting board. You really get the idea they didn’t want to spend much effort on this story. You can’t tell me the store doesn’t have surveillance video of that shit. The “reporter” couldn’t be bothered to pick up a phone? What a missed opportunity! Are you kidding? A guy beating a store employee over the head with a loaf of French bread? People eat that stuff up. The video would have gone viral instantly.

Hint: Keep an eye on the kid coming up behind her.

Since I couldn’t find a video of the action, I looked around on youtube and found one of a young woman in a store aisle getting hit with a loaf of bread. It was sliced bread, probably a cheap supermarket brand, undoubtedly soft, not a baguette. Don’t want to watch a long video? Well, this one is only one second long. You can just keep hitting replay until you see exactly what was going on. Hint: Keep an eye on the kid coming up behind her.

Of course I know nothing more about this French bread assault than I read in the Chronicle story (at SFGate dot com) but knowing nothing about something I’m writing has never stopped me before. And really, what more do you need to know?

From the story: “One employee attempted to calm [the guy], but [the guy] responded by pushing him several times, then grabbing a loaf of French bread and hitting him in the face, according to [the police spokesperson.] The victim was struck multiple times.”

You’re at a low boil anyway, who knows what could set you off?

“Multiple times.” Yeah, inspiring stuff, to be sure. Times you’ve had to deal with an incompetent and stupid supermarket employee, haven’t you ever had the urge to start hammering that useless fuck in the face with a loaf of French bread? Well, I have and that’s why I sympathize with the guy. Okay, so maybe he carried out that assault for reasons other than immediate stupidity and incompetence. But it was a reaction to something not right. The fact is, you walk through in this hellhole existence every day just simmering over a thousand insults, humiliations, and injustices. You’re at a low boil anyway, who knows what could set you off?

Better not to risk it. Better to let off the building steam off in small blasts through the day. I think of it as inconspicuous activism. They’re small acts of defiance or noncompliance. Throw some recycling in the trash, or vice versa. Park badly. Forget to say thank you. Spit openly on the sidewalk. Be as rude as you feel like with telephone sales people or, for fuck’s sake, any asshole who comes to your door at home. Fuck those assholes. Who gives a fuck whether they like it or not.

If you have a spare 37 seconds, check out the video. Here’s a guy with an understated approach. It’s not me, by the way, I don’t know who it is. Now there are a bunch of different versions of this video, all of varying duration, most of them shorter. I picked this one because you get to watch the guy’s whole approach.

With any of the youtube videos we embed in Orbit, it’s best to watch them full screen. This one, too, is easy to watch. You watch it a few times, then you know what’s going to happen and you can relax. Check out the whole street scene, and watch that guy casing the place. Nobody’s around. Looks like early morning.

Now, compare methods of these two guys. The baguette slugger is coolin’ his heels in the slammer with a bail amount of five grand. The other guy, the one who apparently lets off small amounts of pressure through the day with inconspicuous activism knocked over the trash can, and he’s scot-free.

Which guy would you prefer to be?

M. Nick