Dispatch: Another Confusing Day In The “News” Featuring Urine Facials, A Trans Playboy Model, And “Kneelers”
Oh no. NO. Now they’re just fucking with you. Of course, it’s The Sun over there on dot UK. It’s not like you could go lower on the journalistic scale, but still, are there enough morons to support such content? Well, apparently…
Just lookit the headline: “WEE-LY GROSS! Glam gran claims the secret to her youthful face is rubbing URINE on her face every day.” You know they’re peddling horseshit when they introduce a concept like “glam gran,” because there ain’t no such thing in the real world. You have to enter the world of tabloid make-believe to think this is reality. Glamorous granny? Ah, no. Maybe a handsome older woman at a distance — maybe. But a considerable distance. Like, across a football field. Maybe.
I’m not buying it. Lookit the picture. The woman’s face has the puffiness of that upholstered chair in your granny’s sitting room, or parlor, or whatever the fuck the British call it. I’m sorry, but she looks embalmed. Oh great, now I’m going to get a bunch of shit from embalmers. With jpegs attached. I don’t have enough problems already?
But don’t let’s forget the urine part. It reminds me of Quentin Tarrentino in one of his aggressively pathetic Hollywood in-crowd vampire “romps,” telling a long joke to some badasses in a Mexican bar about a guy pissing all over the place and winning money for it. If you can convince people to rub your (or even their own) urine on their faces, you could convince anyone of anything. You could convince them Hugh Hefner was a philosopher and philanthropist. You could sell candy to a refrigerator. It’s a well known scientific fact you can write anything you want on the internet and scores of people will not only believe it, but a few will proselytize it for you.
But WAIT!! That’s not all! Lookit this headline: “PLAYBOY FEATURES FIRST TRANS PLAYMATE.” And no, I’m not clicking on that. Can it get any more obvious the New World Odor wants to eliminate the whole manhood thing. The Odor wants you to be gay and not reproduce, there are too many people in the world taking up “their” resources, and while genocide will never go out of style, it’s a PR nightmare in the first world. Or, well, they’re working on that, but it takes time.
And in the meantime, we’ve got genuine red-blooded American patriots gleefully predicting and hoping for the downfall of the NFL. Holy shit! Did anybody see that coming? And fuck off if somebody did because no one paid attention to them and it didn’t affect anything. But when you can turn a good percentage of Americans against the NFL, you deserve a tip of the mass marketing top hat from P.T. Barnum. Now, we got any progressive activists in NASCAR want to become “kneelers?” Yeah, that’s what they’re calling them now; “kneelers.” I don’t even know how that would work. Do they play the national anthem at NASCAR events?
I don’t know, I’ve never seen a NASCAR race. When would they kneel? Or maybe the winner could send a Native American to accept his (or her) trophy. Or I don’t know, a Syrian refugee?
Photo: By the way, I didn’t notice the Oreo logos until I’d finished photoshopping Colin in there. NO I’m not saying he’s an oreo, that would be stupid. I just don’t want to do the photo again.
Yeah, I’m not so good at the political stuff. I’m especially useless with the sexual or gender politics. Where’s the conspiracy there? All I know is if everybody started rubbing urine on their faces, a lot of problems could be avoided.
I’m talking to you, editor of The Sun.