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Dispatches From Orbit

Dispatch: Circus Jump Rope Artist Fails To Blow California Man’s Mind

OrbitFebruary 22, 20182018-03-01T14:56:22+00:00

I happened across a video on youtube with the title: "Cirque du Soleil jump rope artist will blow your mind.” The mere concept (more…)

Dispatch: Researchers Show Health Benefits Of Cocaine, Whiskey

Orbit February 16, 2018 Comments Off2018-02-23T11:52:07+00:00

According to a news story from Georgia, several men were sought and one apprehended (more…)

Dispatch: Obama First Ex-President With Surrealist “Jazz Hands” Official Portrait

Orbit February 13, 2018 Comments Off2018-02-16T14:39:33+00:00

The official portraits for President Obama and first lady Michelle Obama were recently unveiled. I guess it was yesterday. I dunno, (more…)

Dispatch: Teachers Just Like Everyone Else When It Comes To Screwing Up

Orbit February 12, 2018 Comments Off2018-02-15T20:57:38+00:00

It's almost like they screw up purposely, like they must have wanted to get busted. Doesn't matter which method of screwing up they choose, (more…)

Dispatch: Let’s Hope Elon Musk’s Flamethrowers Work Better Than His Rockets

Orbit February 6, 2018 Comments Off2018-02-15T15:51:07+00:00

I'm having a little trouble making any sense of this: Elon Musk sold 20,000 stylish flamethrowers to the general public. (more…)

Dispatch: Oxford English Dictionary Assaults Everyone With Crazed New Words

Orbit February 5, 2018 Comments Off2018-02-06T15:24:28+00:00

So apparently the Oxford English Dictionary has published its new words list. How many do you suppose they've added? (more…)

Dispatch: People Unclear On The Concept Rife, Idiots Abound

Orbit January 30, 2018 Comments Off2018-02-01T09:59:59+00:00

A guy in Miami named Richard Powell, 57, was arrested for the 344th time. The story said the charges “ranged from drinking in public and stealing a milk crate (more…)

Dispatch: Bigfoot Not Impressed With Flying Dinosaurs Attacking In North Carolina

Orbit January 18, 2018 Comments Off2018-03-08T13:18:43+00:00

Okay, when it comes to cryptozoology, I'm definitely a Bigfoot man. You can fiddle around with notions of Dogmen or chupacabras, go ahead, see where that gets you. (more…)

Dispatch: Harbinger Of Doom? Fox News Goes To The Dogs And There’s Nothing Fake About It

Orbit January 17, 2018 Comments Off2018-01-30T14:40:32+00:00

I don't think anybody would argue with me that The End of the World Is Near once you find out what's happening (more…)

Dispatch: Possible Sinister Clinton Connection To Redding Apartment Fire?

Orbit January 9, 2018 Comments Off2018-02-27T13:35:55+00:00

I came across a story called: “NorCal man reportedly sets fire to apartment while trying to kill massive spider with lighter.” (more…)

News & Opinion

The United States Should Secede From New York Because New York Is Fucked

OrbitFebruary 25, 20182018-02-28T14:49:59+00:00

If you wanted to find the armpit of the universe, you wouldn't be far off to suggest it was New York. (more…)

Fat Man Down: The Perils Of Competitive Obesity

Orbit December 28, 2017 Comments Off2018-02-27T16:18:17+00:00

I saw in the news the fattest guy in the world died Christmas day in Mexico. He weighed 980 pounds. (more…)

Lesbian Showbiz Hack Embraces Her Inner Bully, Titty Trouble Ensues

Orbit November 10, 2017 Comments Off2017-12-08T15:33:45+00:00

Okay, it starts out stupid and then just morphs into idiocy. First, Ellen DeGeneres made a guy-ish joke about a brunette bombshell’s tits (more…)

THIS EXPOSÉ ON JAW DROPPING HYPERBOLE WILL LITERALLY KILL YOU TO DEATH!!!

Orbit October 3, 2017 Comments Off2017-12-08T12:24:50+00:00

There are an awful lot of reckless promises being made about web content these days. Hyperbole is rampant. You know what “hyperbole” means (more…)

Egg Salad News: Food Choices Of The Lazy And Near Comatose

Orbit September 26, 2017 Comments Off2017-09-27T18:44:20+00:00

I was getting milk out of the refrigerator for my coffee and thinking about making egg salad today. As I (more…)

Greeks Busted In Brazen Trigonometry Scam By 3700 Year Old Clay Tablet

Orbit September 14, 2017 Comments Off2018-01-18T14:48:25+00:00

Alright, the big scam the fucking Greeks have pulled off for a couple thousand years, that they invented trigonometry, has now been busted. (more…)

Attention Whore Called Fat, Wigs Out, Jumps Out Of Plane Naked Playing Violin

Orbit August 30, 2017 Comments Off2017-12-08T12:32:51+00:00

Okay, so somebody in the band made a remark about this attention whore’s “tubby” stomach. The guy got wiggy and his life became an obsession about that remark. (more…)

Media Darling Neil deGrasse Tyson Is The Pope Of Science

Orbit August 18, 2017 Comments Off2018-02-06T15:34:57+00:00

I happened across a link to an article on the Reader's Digest website: “9 Truths About Life From Neil deGrasse Tyson That Will Blow Your Mind.” This annoyingly smug celebrity scientist (more…)

Crazed Raccoon Attacks Maine Woman, Fight To Death Ensues

Orbit July 31, 2017 Comments Off2017-12-08T14:46:43+00:00

I caught this on the “Midcoast Edition” of the Bangor Daily News online. This is one of those news stories made unnecessary by its headline (more…)

Egg Salad News: How To Make Perfect Hard Boiled Eggs

Orbit July 27, 2017 Comments Off2017-09-26T15:57:28+00:00

Look at the yolks on those perfectly boiled eggs! Well, now that we're reviving the Egg Salad News, it’s time to put up the fool proof procedure for hard cooking eggs. (more…)